


The One where Varian learns to cope

by I_Otaku



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Gen, I self insert myself to give Varian therapy, It gets better I promise, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Team Awesome (Disney: Tangled), Trans Varian (Disney), Varian Has Issues (Disney), Varian Redemption (Disney), Varian has a hard time at first and gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:21:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26424808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Otaku/pseuds/I_Otaku
Summary: Despite having a room in the castle, having all of the space he could need in private labs and materials, and not having to visit Old Corona unless he wanted to- Varian still felt something was off. Something itched underneath his skin, made him uncomfortable looking at his reflection for too long. Varian felt uncomfortable in his own body. Every time he thought too hard about his past, stopped tinkering and designing for more than an hour, he wound up pulling his hair and close to tears. Varian was unhappy. Varian was very very unhappy for a royally appointed seventeen year old.
Relationships: Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider & Varian, Varian & OC
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [me myself and i](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=me+myself+and+i).



> I'll put content warnings at the beginning of each chapter. This one's got self-esteem issues and descriptions of scars.

Despite having a room in the castle, having all of the space he could need in private labs and materials,  _ and _ not having to visit Old Corona unless he wanted to- Varian still felt something was off. Something itched underneath his skin, made him uncomfortable looking at his reflection for too long. Varian felt uncomfortable in his own body. Every time he thought too hard about his past, stopped tinkering and designing for more than an hour, he wound up pulling his hair and close to tears. 

Varian was unhappy. Varian was very very unhappy for a royally appointed seventeen year old. He was getting along fine with the princess and her husband, he avoided and respected the King and Queen well enough. He sent mail to Cass every few months, he babysat Catalina and Kiera (Getting a few coins from Lance to watch them, and a few from the girls to let them go adventure if they promised to be careful). He had routine, he never worried about a meal or clean water, he spent time (some, every other week) with his dad, he took care of Ruddiger.

But Varian was still unhappy. Restless nights in bed- arms folded and eyes open because his dreams were far worse than anything he could physically see in the low light. His nightmares plagued him, memories of finding his father in amber during the blizzard, the month on his own after, the kidnapping and attack, his time in prison, the airship attack on Corona, Cassandra’s kidnapping, aggravating the Zhan Tiri attack- even now he couldn’t stop himself from listing every bad thing that’s happened to him. 

He lay in bed spiralling, bad thought leading to worse memories, leading to an even worse mood. He sat up, sweeping the sweat soaked bangs out of his eyes as he sighed. His gaze landed on his wrists, cloth wrapped around them to hide the thin sliver scars decorating his skin. He could feel the weight of his shackles like this even though they were long gone. He could see the cold gray metal- rusting and digging against his skin. 

Ruddiger made a chittering noise from the foot of the bed, and lifted his head.

“I’m okay buddy,” Varian mumbled. “I’m gonna put a light on and do some work, can’t sleep.” He swung his legs down over the edge of his bed and stood- feet sliding into decent enough slippers. A brown sweater covered his arms well enough, and as he pulled his hair back into a ponytail he was briefly startled by light shining from his feet.

Ruddiger swung a small vial up at him, glowing a fluorescent orange. “Thanks,” He mumbled, leaning down to grab it. “Let’s get to reading then, huh?”

Eugene was the one to find him, starting his early morning round. “You in there?” He spoke, opening the door to the lab. Varian lifted his head, scrubbing at his eye. The light from the hallway was near blinding, illuminating Varian’s small desk and his messy station. Ruddiger shuffled slightly, but continued sleeping.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s me.”

Eugene crossed his arms, leaning back against the doorframe. “Goggles, care to tell me why you’re burning the midnight oil?”

“‘ts not midnight, it’s morning.” Varian mumbled back.

“Still bold words coming from someone who should be asleep.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Varian stretched, cracking his back. ”Just couldn’t sleep. You can get back to guard stuff I have hypotheses to test-”

“Well that can wait until after breakfast.” Eugene pointed a finger at the teen, who held his hands up in return.

Varian wanted to say no. He wanted to turn down Eugene, disappear back into his lab and not have to see another person. He wanted to disappear, melt into his sweater and forget his past, his existence. But Eugene wasn’t moving. “Alright.” Varian stood, running a hand over Ruddiger’s back as the raccoon slept curled up on his desk.

Food was something Varian forgot about almost routinely. He struggled with taking care of himself most days, too involved in his work. There was always one more thought, one more design, one more tweak, one more chemical to mix. He was getting better, but it was either everything tasted like prison food (even though it wasn’t and he knew that- Varian watched Rapunzel the first time he mentioned prison food and her expression was distinctly not  _ her- _ he never saw those sad biscuits again-) and he couldn’t stomach it, or he just forgot he needed to eat at all. Water was easier, but not exactly a priority for him to track. Rapunzel and Eugene passed by about once a day, unless he requested privacy to work. They did their best, but they had a country to help run. 

As Varian shuffled through the kitchen (peckish pastries in his hand and one dangling out of his mouth) a strange smear of blue caught his attention. He looked up only to see the doorway leading to the dining hall swing shut. It was startling for only a moment, before his eyes could finally say no- it wasn’t that bright neon blue- the light blue that burned behind his eyelids when he was afraid of someone snapping at him. It was darker, more like a royal blue or maybe an indigo? He shrugged, and resumed his pecking. It was just after the cooking had started, but before breakfast was to be served- one of the chefs caught him and batted his arm affectionately before waving him out. 

Varian grabbed a shiny red apple on his way out. It nestled nicely between Ruddiger’s paws as his friend slept. Varian returned down the hall to his bedroom, collapsing onto his bed with a small pile of pastries on his chest. They were at least warm. 

When he woke up next Varian found the pastries he fell asleep eating replaced with his trusty raccoon licking his paws clean of powdered sugar. 

“Alright, let’s get going then.” He mumbled, lifting his friend and standing. Shedding his rest clothes Varian idled in getting properly dressed. He didn’t like seeing his bare body- it brought up too many bad memories. Besides the scars on his wrists, he had a few from Cass in the tower on his forearms and on his back. One in his hairline from slamming his head against the inside of his automaton, a slice on his chin from Andrew in prison. He had a rather nasty one on his leg from the fight with Zhan Tiri- that one especially he hated to see. So the pants went on first. Then dress shirt that he buttoned slowly, arm bands that squeezed him just right, sleeves that never had to be rolled up. His vest was solid and it felt like a hug around his middle, the buttons were nice to touch too. He fixed his hair and slid on his goggles, before grabbing the large dark gloves, sliding them on. No need to see his wrists. No need to see any part of himself like this. 

Brushing Ruddiger off with his newly gloved hands, Varian hefted the pet up to his shoulder. 

“Time for science.” He nodded briefly.

His hands shook as they always did, but after a few rounds and too many hours he had created a new glow fluid, this time yellow.

“But Ruddiger I swear- I’m  _ this _ close to something even better, something brighter than the sundrop or the moonstone. And not even a stone, despite their natural radiance. Maybe this could be mixed into some kind of paint! Rapunzel would like that.” He set the test tube down in the rack, pressing in the rubber stopper. 

Ruddiger scurried down from the experiment table to nip at his friend's pant leg.

“Ruddiger!” he laughed, “Come on I was just-”

He growled in response, and Varian lifted him into his arms. 

“Alright, fine. I suppose we can have lunch.” Ruddiger seemed pleased at that, letting his human leave the lab, pressing tiny paws up at his goggles. Varian laughed, tucking them up into his hair. “You are a menace-” Varian laughed, looking up as he climbed the stairwell. The cool grey brick turned to the familiar warm white- he could hear the bustling of Corona outside and the bustling of servants inside. Just as he left the stairwell at the proper floor though- he spotted Rapunzel sitting on the opposite windowsill, legs folded up in front of her. She seemed to be talking with someone, and Varian blinked- because the person was  _ blue.  _ Not literally, but their dress was blue, long blue hair braided down the center of their head and short on the sides. (Though in the late afternoon it was a kind of violet-) The same royal blue he saw in the kitchen. They talked for a few more moments, the blue person putting a hand on the princesses arm before Rapunzel nodded and started crying.

“Hey!” Varian was talking before he knew what he was doing. “Hey-!” He ran forward across the hall. His steps slowed as he approached.

Rapunzel jumped, rubbing at her eyes. “Oh! Varian!” She said wetly. “I’m sorry, I thought no one came down this hall.”

“What’s going on?” He asked, looking between his friend and the stranger. Something Was wrong. Something Was very  _ wrong. _

“Could you leave us alone?” The stranger spoke quickly. “This is a private matter.”

“They’re right Varian, I’m fine, really. Promise.” She lifted a hand and Varian took it. In the setting sunlight Rapunzel looked so red, cheeks bright and tears glistening down them.

He wanted to say something else, Varian wanted to plant his feet in place and not leave until his stand-in sister smiled, until he knew she really was okay. He wanted to hold her hand and be the person she needed right now. He wanted to finally be grown up, finally be trusted enough and welcomed to help in a way that was more than  _ ‘test water heater exploded, need fixing. _ ’ He wanted to stand up strong and support her, against the growing nausea in his stomach. But instead... “If- If you’re sure princess-” 

The mystery person smiled too, a hand on the princesses knee. “You’re safe here.”

Varian glanced at Blue and furrowed his brow- but Rapunzel retracted her hand. “Go eat. And do take the other stairs if you don’t mind.”

Varian nodded briefly, folding his arms awkwardly. “If you say so.” He shuffled away quickly, shutting the hallway door and leaning back up against it. His head thudded back against the door, goggles digging into his scalp. He couldn’t. The importance of that moment, the delicacy- he couldn’t risk saying the wrong thing. He couldn’t imagine what damage he could do with just one word, not after what the word ‘villain’ had done all those months ago. Cassandra was listening and changing and then suddenly she was shooting him out into the air in a cage, readying herself to destroy everyone who loved her. Varian was no good with words. Varian couldn't risk hurting his family in an already raw emotional state. He sunk down to a seat on the hallway floor, Ruddiger pawing at his face. 

He couldn’t think about anything else, even when he got up and paced in the hallway just in front of the kitchen, one gloved fingertip between his teeth. Ruddiger had hopped off after a few minutes, content to watch his human wear a path in the floor. The princess was crying, and there was nothing Varian could do. He had hardly ever seen her do that- if ever at all! Rapunzel was strong and fierce and pardon the expression- a ray of sunshine. Rapunzel was happy! And the moment she wasn’t, Varian was too much of a coward to even show he cared.

A hand on his shoulder snapped Varian from his reverie. “Morning goggles! I take it you’re getting food for your long night of work? I will come tuck you in again if you-”

“What’s going on with Rapunzel?” He spat out, only realizing after and slapping his hands over his mouth. He couldn’t just go barging into the couple’s life like that- not after he was already afraid to so much as see it. “Oh my goodness no- it’s! It’s none of my business I’ll just be heading back to my-”

As Varian tried to storm past Eugene the guard hooked his arm around the teen’s, spinning the pair of them in a circle. “Nope- nope. Nice try though, getting better at that. You see- Blondie’s got a private meeting. You walk in on them?”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“You’re fine kid, Rapunzel knows that. I’m surprised you got away with all of your fingers if it was a meeting with M though,” he mumbled, “Wait, you still got all your fingers? Your badger got its tail in one piece?”

“Raccoon-” Varian lifted his hands, inspecting the front and back of them. “And who?”

“M, eh- hard to explain. Just- let our girl work with the blue menace.”

“You’re not making any sense-”

“Don’t have to. Everything’s fine, I promise. They meet up once a week or so, have boring talks, look out windows. It’s a thing for some people, Lance and I do rooftops in the middle of the night, it’s whatever.” Eugene hooked his arm over Varian’s shoulder now, “Just go back to your little nerd cave and know it’s fine.”

Varian looked around as Eugene guided him to the closest stairwell, walking them past suits of armour. “I don’t- rooftops?”

“Have fun!” With a push Varian was rushing down the stairs, one hand on Ruddiger curled up against his neck, the other flailing around as he caught his footing. Alright- now that was weird.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Panic attacks, hallucinations/delusions, depictions of Varian's PTSD

Varian was very good at overthinking things. In a way, it was his job. It was his passion! It just also happened to be an incredibly bad habit of his. He could hardly focus without tapping his fingers and twirling his pencils, he just kept  _ thinking _ . But this time it was worse- it was so much more. Because it was his family. Why was Rapunzel crying? Why was Eugene so weirdly cryptic about it? What was Blue’s purpose- and was their name just M? Why were they  _ they _ ? Rapunzel was she, but this new person was they? Was it multiple people in one body? A hivemind? Some kind of automaton?

His stomach interrupted his anxious tapping, he hunched forward. Right- he was supposed to get food. The way Varian's midsection ached was something he was familiar with, but it hurt nonetheless. He dropped to his stool, a hand out on the table to steady himself. Ruddiger whined from the tabletop, laying on Varian's hand. 

"This sucks," He mumbled under his breath. Ruddiger nodded, and Varian choked out a laugh. "Big help you are." Ruddiger hissed gently at him and Varian sat back, pain receding. 

"The social sciences aren't quite my forte," Varian mumbled, Ruddiger huffing. "Realistically I'm the last person who has any right to question what the princess does, last time that happened I was thrown out of the consultation hall." Varian rubbed his chin as he stood, Ruddiger jumping down from the table to pitter after him. Varian continued thinking (mumbling) out loud as he climbed the stairs. 

"Not even mentioning when I was questioning dad, going against what he said just made things worse in the long run like when I tried creating the water boilers." His footsteps echoed around him as he walked up the staircase. "Or when he tried hanging his swords around the house and I thought they were just decoration- or when I tried to help him plant seeds and ended up blowing up the seed placer on accident and ruining them-" Varian's footsteps were growing quieter, more distant just like his voice.

"Disobeying the king and almost killing the princess… I can still hear the yelling and smell the burning of the amber-" Varian felt the creak of the wooden floor beneath his feet, he heard the yell of King Frederic just over his left shoulder. Rapunzel yelling in pain, his own voice emerged from his mouth. 

_ "No no no! No! Why isn't it working?!"  _

Cassandra’s voice.  _ “Is that what you think I am?!” _

The slam of his back against the wall of black rocks, the jolt of pain and the cut of wind on his face, the dizzying height- Rapunzel yelling for him to let her go, his father in amber- the sound of project obsidian going off, his fault in angering Cassandra even further, the yelling- Ruddiger chittering far, far away- It all compounded in his head, layering on top of each other until Varian couldn’t hear, he couldn’t  _ breathe _ . Everything was his fault.

"There we go. In two, three- Out two, three, four. In two, three- Out two, three, four." 

Varian followed, taking a deep breathe in and a long slow out. Feeling was returning to him in parts, like the pieces of a doll clicking together. His stomach hurt. His legs were splayed out on the floor, his back against a wall. His head was in his hands, tears sliding down his cheeks and hair pulling tight on his scalp. Ruddiger was curled up in his lap, someone was sitting next to him. A hand was rubbing back and forth across the top of his back.

"You're doing great, in- and out." After another round Varian could let go of his hair, blinking his eyes open. Tears clouded his vision for a moment before he wiped them away. When he looked up, it was Blue sitting beside him. 

"Can you drink some water for me?" They smiled, face soft and rosy. Varian nodded weakly. A canteen was passed into his hands and Varian drank, stomach churning violently. Blue took the canteen back.

“Do you need me to go get you some food?”

Varian squinted up at them. “No I-”

“Haven’t eaten in a day if I had to guess,” They fiddled with the screw to the canteen, before opening it and drinking themselves. Ruddiger’s betraying rumble agreed with the stranger.

“How- How do you know?” 

“Struggled with messed up eating for most of my life,” They tucked the canteen back into their bag and stood- brushing off their pants. When did they change? “That was definitely a panic attack but the hunger pains were more short term. You don’t remember collapsing, do you.” It sounded remarkably- not like a question, but Varian couldn’t deny it.

“Here- let’s go get food.” A hand reached down to him, and Varian looked up at it. After a few seconds of contemplation he lifted Ruddiger to his shoulder- and grabbed the hand.

M (Varian remembered after his brain began working again-) led him easy enough to the kitchen and Varian took the time to look them over. Up close the hair closest to their head was a dark blond, the longer hair in the braid blue. Their dress had been swapped out for a white dress shirt and pants the color of their dress from earlier. Little wooden rings stretched their earlobes out, and when they glanced over their shoulder at him they had freckles just like him. 

“Here, watch this.” M grinned, flashing their teeth at him. As the trio entered the kitchen the chefs preparing dinner brandished their tools- Varian knew better than to come in here around this time. But remarkably, each one smiled and welcomed them in. M spoke fast and animatedly with different chefs dancing through the room, lifting some fruit here, a roll there, flicking a napkin from a chefs cuff, each one seeing them go and not arguing in the slightest. Each chef gave M food, talking quickly. Varian watched in awe as they retreated to the opposite entrance, M with an overflowing bundle of food in their arm. 

“Good luck Charlie! And Rayfa try talking to Faith, I’m sure she’d be interested-” 

As they left the crowded space M was all but glowing, Varian starstruck. “Wow,” he mumbled, “I get kicked out if I get within five rooms of the kitchen around dinner,”

M winked down at him, “Perks of being me. Come on, let's go find a quiet spot and breathe."

The spot itself turned out to be the castle roof, just a stone's throw from where the rooster misfired. M sat quickly, unfurling the small bundle of food and gesturing for Varian to follow. He did, Ruddiger chittering from inside the building, none to keen on sitting on a roof at this height. 

“What are you?” Varian mumbled, collecting a few food scraps to munch on. 

“Technically- a handmaid. It’s a loose thing really.”

“There has to be more than that, it just doesn’t make sense.”

“Well yes, I sorta accidentally became friends with people like Rapunzel. I give good advice.” They peeled a small orange and popped a slice into their mouth. Varian reached over and plucked a slice, doing the same. M offered the orange, not even turning to see him. When they did glance over Varian was still staring. “What’s goin’ on in that brain of yours?”

“You’re different- you’re they?” Varian mumbled, before realizing. He braced for some level of anger, but they smiled instead. 

“That I am!”

“But you’re-”

“ _ I _ -” M interrupted, “use they and them in place of he or her.  _ You _ ’ll get used to it.”

The longer he sat the more curious Varian became, like a puzzle with bits and pieces locking before returning to rotating. You could do that? You weren't just what everyone called you? It made hypothetical sense- who knew  _ you _ better than you? He was gathering rolls and dried fruits, eating away while he sat. The more he learned the less he knew, it seemed. Despite his scrutiny and snacking M didn’t pay him any mind, they sat and looked out at the clouds, at the last slivers of sunset disappearing into the night sky. “I hate heights,” M mumbled with a smile.

“What? Then why did you bring us up here?”

“I want to get better about them.” They said simply. “I get nervous, but I don’t want to be nervous. So I push myself just a little every time I can. Soon, I won’t be afraid anymore.”

Varian burped, rather quickly ruining the delicate moment. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be,” M finished what remained of their orange and looked over at him, smiling warmly. “You ate, and that’s all I wanted to see.”

Varian blinked, and sat up straighter. The remaining roll in his hand was almost completely devoured, when he looked down at the cloth napkin between them- only crumbs remained. He had eaten everything M had gathered. His stomach rumbled, only now displeased- but M laughed. 

“Thank you Varian. Rapunzel and Eugene have told me a lot about you. I’m glad I got to meet you.” They stood slowly, leaning over to lift Varian’s goggles and ruffle their hand in his hair. “I’ll leave these with your friend. You, enjoy the sunset for me.” 

Before Varian could question them, M had hopped back into the castle, he could hear the kissy noises they made to Ruddiger who purred back. Varian slowly lifted the remaining roll to his mouth, and took another bite. He looked out at the evening sky and took a deep breath. M appeared to be very interesting.

Varian lay in bed, fully clothed. He didn’t want to undress and see the skin, marred and ruined for the rest of his life. But as he took a deep breath in, eyes focused on a specific spot on the ceiling, he heard a voice.

_ “I push myself just a little every time I can. Soon, I won’t be afraid anymore. _ ”   


He sat up, disrupting Ruddiger from his spot on the shared pillow. He looked down at his gloved hands, at the scars he knew. He didn’t want to see them. He didn’t have to- he could just choose to never take off the gloves, or only do so when necessary and never have to actually look at them. But for some strange reason- he didn’t want to do that. As terrifying as it was, Varian lifted a gloved hand to his mouth, and he bit into one of the fingers, pulling the glove off. The scars were exactly where he knew they were. The sight of them made Varian sick to his stomach. He hated them. He hated seeing them. 

But he pulled off the other glove, fighting against the urge to hide. He fell back down onto the bed, arms stiff at his side. The feeling of his blankets was so much sharper against his bare skin- he could feel the texture of the fabric. He couldn’t feel that with his gloves on. Varian laid there, eyes closed and fingers rubbing his blanket for a few minutes. As soon as he had taken off his gloves a bundle of nerves knotted in his chest, growing and spiralling the longer he was exposed. 

Like this, anyone could see his time in prison. Anyone could see just exactly how terrible he was in his past. They would judge him- Varian scrambled for his large gloves and shoved his hands back into them. His fingers gathered and shoved in wrong- but Varian hurried to slide on the other. Safe. With his gloves on he was safe. Nobody had to see him like this. Ruddiger licked his nose, Varian wheezing out a shaky breath. 

“Just a little.” He mumbled, exhaustion settling on his chest from the long day. He fell asleep, hands buried under his pillow, still wearing all of his day attire. 

Life started feeling just a little bit different after that. He was still uncomfortable and confused, but there was something new. In his own private time, in his own way, Varian could have control. Varian could feel until it became too much, and then he could be safe. He was growing. The sight of his wrists wasn’t as mind numbing as it had once been. Varian was feeling just a little more comfortable in his skin. Some days passed where he still could hardly think about bathing or looking at his skin, but others he sat without gloves or in shorts for close to an hour. 

It was on one of those days Eugene had an impromptu visit while Varian was pacing. The door to Varian's lab slammed open, the alchemist jumping two feet in the air. 

"Hey Var- oh you're awake," the yell Eugene started died off, "Hey, got a question for ya." 

"This must be rather important to interrupt my planning for the second rooster." Varian dusted off his apron, just briefly enjoying the nice worn leather texture under his fingers.

"Its is- listen- I want you to run some of your fancy magicy-"

"Alchemy-"

" _ Whatevery-  _ tricks to help get me a truth serum." Eugene sauntered into the lab, glancing about at the beakers and test tubes filled with concoctions.

"Why? That's not something you've ever needed before." Varian squinted.

"We've got some nasty people in the dungeon right now, not giving out any answers no matter what we promise. Rehabilitation went right off the table soon as we offered it. And you know Rapunzel, the more we can help reform the better the whole nation becomes. We need to figure out what's got them so brainwashed." 

"Is it that they  _ won't _ tell you, or they  _ can't _ ?" Varian hummed, walking quickly around his workstation to one of the far walls, scrutinizing the various posters and recipes tacked up. "Because a truth serum will help if they do know but  _ won't  _ tell you- but if they  _ can't-  _ then you can understand that is a whole nother situation entirely. A truth serum won't do much." 

Eugene spun on his heel watching Varian walk, "Thaaat- is an excellent question. Another excellent question in return, what's the difference? Let's just do it." 

"Well you won't have the effect you want if they're bound by some kind of magic or a pact, or under a spell that made them actually forget the moment or person in question. A bit hypothetical, but eh. Serums with non-linear means tend to be a bit iffy." He brought a finger to his lips, before waving it in a so-so motion. Eugene didn't respond immediately, so Varian continued. "I could definitely do it, I made one in Old Corona with my makeshift lab but here I could have it whipped up before dinner-"

Varian glanced over at his friend, who was standing slack jawed. He blinked, before looking down to whatever had captured Eugene's attention. His wrists. Varian fisted his hands, shoving them in the large pocket of his apron. He had to lean forward to hide them completely, but he had no choice. 

"Get out." Varian wheezed.

"Kid I was ju-"

"I said get out!" He wasn't thinking right. He was panicking, and he knew it.

Eugene wrapped his arms around Varian's shoulders, the teen jerking and writhing. "Let go!" 

"Calm down! I'm not going anywhere. I'm not gonna say anything, okay?" Varian stilled, heaving breaths into the chest pressing against his forehead. "I won't. I mean it." Varian let out a long breath, shoulders shaking.

He needed to pull away. He needed to shove Eugene out of the lab like he had done before. Varian needed to shut himself away from the rest of the world, and lie to everyone until he could put himself back together again and pretend. He needed to stop this feeling. But he didn't want to. Being this close was so nice- Eugene was tall and strong and Varian was so lonely. He was alone. And with a slow dawning horror, Varian realized he didn't want to be alone. Against what he knew his entire life- Varian held on.

After a few moments of silence (interrupted just briefly by Ruddiger's anxious rumbling) Varian pulled his hands from his pockets. His arms shook more as he threaded them around and up Eugene's middle, palms against his shoulder blades. The uniform fabric was thick and coarse, easy for his fingers to dig into.

Despite every warning light in Varian's head flashing, every alarm blaring, he stood still, taking shaky breaths as his brother held him. The hug was long and slow, Eugene holding him close and not saying a word.  _ Just a little. _ Varian's mind sang.  _ Soon, I won't be afraid anymore. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Panic Attacks, minor descriptions of illness

Stepping out of his comfort zone wasn't something he needed to do, but he wanted to. He wanted to get better about eating, he wanted to be more emotionally wise, he wanted to learn to be this new exciting person he was starting to be. More specifically he wanted to be changed, but without actually having to do the scary changing himself. Eugene was the first and only person to see his scars for a while, and it changed how he acted. Suddenly, Eugene was more bothersome, leaning on Varian's shoulders when they walked through the castle halls, stealing his goggles, pestering Varian twice a day to pelt him with topped off canteens. 

Varian didn't understand exactly  _ why _ though. He was fine, he was done with passing out at the workstation and giving everyone heart attacks. He was busy. But Eugene kept showing up. And pretty soon, Varian was getting sick of it. 

After a long and stressful day presenting his second pass of water boilers to the king and returning to his sanctuary new notes in hand- Varian found Eugene sat at his desk, boots kicked up and ankles crossed lazily. His favorite pen (a gift from his father) was between Eugene's upper lip and nose, the man himself babbling nonsense, hands waving around. He stilled as Varian sighed, glancing over.

"Please, do me a favor real quick- get out." Ruddiger nodded from his position on the floor beside Eugene, swiping an apple under the desk. 

"Come on now goggles," Eugene kicked his legs down and stood, leaning heavily over the desk. He spun Varian's pen around a finger before dropping it to the desk. "Wanted to check up on you. Heard you had a rough day." 

"I did, it was. Leave my lab." Varian entered the room, pulling at his gloves and pressing his goggles down over his eyes. Distance. He needed to shelter himself. He needed space. He continued in towards the desk, reaching over and grabbing Eugene's wrist. "Goodbye." He said, tugging his friend towards the door.

Or at least he was until Eugene snatched his arm back. "Varian, come on."

"No. I need time by myself to relax." He could feel the hair at the base of his neck bristle. 

"You can relax kid, did you eat?"

"Yes! I'm an adult, I can take care of myself! I am not a kid- and I don't need you babysitting me all day everyday!" Varian snapped chewing at the inside of his cheek.

"What? I'm not babysitting-" 

"You are! I can't get a day without you- j-jumping down my throat! I'm sick of it!"

"Hey you listen to me here kid- I'm trying to help you." Eugene's face was softening, he reached out before Varian could realize and grabbed his wrist. 

Varian felt like he had been struck by lightning. He whipped his arm away, eyes screwed shut.

" _ Get out _ !" He crossed his arms behind his back, stepping back towards the lab. " _ Guards! Get him away from me!"  _

Eugene stilled, hand reaching out for him. Varian wasn't giving him any more attention, he was too focused on his own panic spiral. Grabbed by the wrists- smear of guard uniform red- questions- no one was listening- no one was  _ listening _ ! Varian stumbled back and into his workstation, bodily knocking over a test tube rack and sending glass instruments to the floor. Shattering glass, just like during his meltdowns in Old Corona- thundering footsteps like guards patrolling the dungeon-

He couldn't breathe- why couldn't he breathe? He sunk to the floor, legs curled up against his chest and hands in his hair. So much for progress, his mind spat bitterly. When he glanced up, the lab was empty. At least one thing went his way.

Crawling into bed was already on Varian's plan after a rough day, but not nearly under these circumstances. The boy lay on his makeshift cot, (he couldn't leave the lab, he knew Eugene would be waiting outside) eyes blank and body numb. He hadn't eaten, and he didn't want to. He hadn't bothered to change, or bathe, or do anything remotely productive. He couldn't. Everything was too much, every movement, every sound, it all brought back a terrible memory. Once the floodgates were open, Varian couldn't stop himself either. He was spiralling, small laboured breaths and watering eyes. He needed to stop, he knew somewhere in his mind- Varian needed silence, some way to relax. 

"Knockout." Varian wheezed. He couldn't open his eyes to see, but Ruddiger's claws scurried along the stone floor with enough speed to cut through Varian's haze. In either a minute or many (the panic blurring everything-) a small vial was placed on the bed by even smaller hands. Varian fumbled for it, popping the lid and pressing it to his lips. Varian swallowed the serum and dropped the glass to the cot. Ruddiger leapt up, curling up in the small of Varian's armpit. The world around him was fading away, his breathing was slowing. Varian felt the slow relaxing of his muscles, the way his face softened and his joints eased. The last thing he felt was Ruddiger place his small head on Varian's chest, and then the world fell out from under him.

Consciousness returned to him with worried paws swatting at his nose. Ruddiger was perched on his chest and chittering. Varian grumbled. 

"I'm up…" 

The raccoon continued, and Varian closed his eyes again. The windows were high and small (more for ventilation than viewing) so no sunlight could tell him the time. The pounding in his head told him it had been more than a few hours, as he shuffled upright he was struck with a disgusting wave of vertigo. He dug his goggles out of where they had pressed into his scalp and dropped them on the floor. Legs over the side of the bed he stood and stumbled to the nearest wall, black spots filling his vision. Ruddiger was whimpering from somewhere, but Varian couldn't keep his eyes open. He sunk to his knees and pressed his hot forehead against the cool stone wall. 

Someone was knocking on the front door of the lab and Varian didn't think he could even get to the door to open it. 

"Hey, you got mail." Someone called. It wasn't any of the voices he was expecting though, not Euegene or Rapunzel, the King or a familiar guard. "I can leave it out here I guess, thought since we hadn't seen each other we could hang out but whatever man." 

Varian pushed himself to his feet (a mistake) as the momentum forced him forward too fast, tripping forward. "Too early," Varian wheezed. The effects of the serum must not have worn off completely yet. 

"Hey, you okay in there?" Closer to the door now, Varian was certain. M was outside. 

Of anyone, M was by far the best choice. "Come in." Varian called weakly, eyes fluttering shut. 

The lab door swung open, M walked in and dropped to a kneel beside him. A small but heavy piece of paper dropped onto Varian's back. "Mail." They said simply.

Despite everything, Varian laughed. He shifted slightly and looked up, eyes catching the blue braid and blue pants again. 

"Bed?" M asked, one hand getting in Varian's hair and shuffling it around.

"Yeah." Varian croaked.

One of his arms over M's shoulder Varian got back to bed, M laying him down and putting a hand to his forehead.

"You're sweating." As if on cue Ruddiger jumped onto the cot, vial in his paws. M took it gently, spinning it around. "Well no wonder, if you black out from panicking you're gonna run hot unconscious too. And  _ all _ of it? Bad call. Thought you were smart kid." 

Varian huffed. 

"Alright, can we get you out of some of these layers? Probably sleep better too." 

Varian was too tired to argue, the sweat pooling in his undershirt made the fabric stick to his skin. His bangs were plastered to his forehead. He heard a mumble in his head, but when he looked up they silenced. M didn't know anything. They didn't know about his fight with Eugene. Did they know about his history? His time in prison? Surely they must have heard about the damage he did to the city. He began to panic, thoughts bouncing in his head like lead balloons. 

"I can leave if you want, but I don't think you'll benefit from sweating to death." 

He shuffled upright and M unclasped his vest, loosening the armbands. Their hand settled on his glove closer to where they sat, and Varian nodded. His large gloves slid off, then came the armbands. He struggled as M got the vest off, but when he laid back and his boots came off, he could feel the heat sealed against his skin escape. A hand shifted through his hair again, nails gently scraping against his scalp. Varian rolled into it, head on a lap. He drifted back to sleep without a serum, a worry, or a nightmare. 

Varian awoke (actually functional-) alone, pushing himself upright. Checking his forehead and his neck he didn't feel warm. Standing was easy, he took out his ponytail to finger comb it down as he walked around the lab. M was gone, as was Ruddiger. As Varian looked around to be sure, he saw one of his light vials activated and glowing. 

Varian walked over, idly playing with his hair. A small plate of food sat, most of the food dried to keep it from spoiling. Some fruit. His stomach rumbled aggressively and he grabbed one of the green apples, thankfully biting into it as he continued looking. A note sat for him, beside a thick sealed letter. Lifting the smaller, 

_ Hey Variable, you got a letter from Hector. Don't know who that is but it's not to me so whatevs. And I got you some food, I'll be folding linens and doing laundry in the west hall ground floor today. If you need a distraction you'll be safe with me. -M  _

_ P.S. Stole Ruddiger. He's remarkably easy to bribe sometimes. _

Varian read the note and hummed quietly. Flipping it over he dropped it back to the desk. He spun the apple and continued eating, grabbing the letter next. He anticipated it being a misdelivery that was intended for his father- but it was his name scribbled in the center of the Dark Kingdom sigil. What did  _ Hector _ want? Varian flipped the letter over, inspecting the envelope. Nothing noticeably dangerous, but just thinking of the man made Varian's skin crawl. The bearcats, the rhino, the general aura of jerk and violent- it tipped Varian off like a few of the thugs he saw go through the dungeons. 

He dropped the letter back to the table and rubbed his wrists. "Okay. Breathe." Varian mumbled under his breath, "Food. I ate. Next step, water. Then, picking up Ruddiger." Varian shuffled around the lab, grabbing his shoes, goggles and vest, grabbing the empty abandoned canteen to sling over his arm. He made it to his resting room without seeing any guards and he went about putting himself back together. Quickly jumping into clean linen pants, brown sweater, leather slipper-adjacent shoes, he brushed out his hair and tied it back before putting his goggles on and sliding them up to pull his bangs away from his eyes. Glancing in his mirror he paused.

He looked- different. Maybe he didn't actually look different but he tilted his head side to side in awe. He looked exhausted. Eyes dull and bags under his eyes heavy- Varian's skin was pale and his lips just barely healed from chewing them. Varian felt so much more put together than he used to- but he looked just as bad. Maybe not bad, but something was off. It didn't feel right looking at his reflection. Instead of festering in his confusion, Varian bundled up the discomfort and shoved it deep down in his chest.

Maybe he never noticed how bad he looked when he could hardly stand his reflection or forgot he needed food to survive. But now, he felt  _ gross _ . He fumbled around with the hood to his sweater, and pulled it over his head before turning away. He wasn’t in his normal engineer attire so he wasn’t immediately recognizable aside from his lacking height and dark hair- but he knew more than enough about making his way through the castle undetected. He wouldn’t be seen unless he wanted to be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: past mentions of Varian's self hatred and unfair situations

The west wing like most of the castle faced the water, but unlike the others a few large trees decorated a path towards the castle wall. A familiar figure was puttering about, clasping laundry onto the clotheslines between the trees. Varian stood in the entryway to the yard, looking around before he left. Two large baskets sat with laundry to dry, further out in the grass the wash bucket, a few scattered clothespins on the stone floor. M was singing out on the lawn, he glanced over and saw the familiar blue braid. No matching pants, instead a typical handmaiden gown. Varian looked up to the warm sun high in the sky, clouds bright swathes of white drifting by. When was the last time he was outside? Just for himself?

He shuffled out, glancing around to make sure no other workers were around. He relaxed when he heard M laugh- a loud and unbothered thing as they shook out damp clothes. 

“You’re so helpful for so long and now you want to make a scene?” They put hands on their hips, looking up at the clothesline, and Varian finally spotted his raccoon- perched on a branch the line hung from. A clothespin was in his small hands, he seemed to be chewing on the end. 

Varian wheezed out a nervous laugh, “He uh- yeah he can. Tend to... Do some pretty inconvenient stuff. R-Ruddiger I mean.” He waved quickly, before pulling the sweater hood down. 

M turned quickly, “Oh hey Variable,” gesturing up towards the raccoon. “Care to help?”

“I thought he was easy to bribe?” He laughed again, hands white-knuckled in his sleeves. Why was he so nervous?

“Sometimes- oh well. I’ll go grab the rest. If you wanna find a nice place to sit while I work you can relax,” M moved past him, barely more than a polite glance. He watched, turning slowly before nodding. He dropped to a seat under one of the trees looking up at the leaves swaying slowly in the wind. The sunlight filtered through the leaves in a pale green glow. Varian took a deep breath, and let it out. It felt nice to be outdoors. 

A familiar weight fell into his lap and he jolted- before giggling. 

“Hey Ruddiger,” He mumbled, scratching his back as the Raccoon nestled comfortably in his lap. Ruddiger nodded, seemingly pleased.

“You find breakfast?” M called, dragging one of the larger baskets across the grass towards the trees. They dropped it by the treeline, before lifting a few items onto their shoulder and walking past to the free space. 

“Yes, and thank you,” Varian called. “It was a nice surprise.” 

“I’m glad.” M smiled at him, before turning to clasp the corner of a sheet up, holding as it whipped in the wind. 

“So is- is this your day job?”

“Technically, not super often. And we don’t have to talk, I know that’s not really your thing.” M looked over at him again. 

“Ah I’m sorry I totally-”

“I like having you here kid, just relax.” They interrupted him. “Enjoy the breeze, the sun, the trees. Just take a minute.”

He nodded quickly, looking down at Ruddiger now laying on his back with paws up in the air, face pure bliss. Varian smiled, and leaned back against the tree. The wind was on the edge of cool in the warm day, he felt his hair fall free from his goggles. The grass was soft under his legs, the tree firm and stable behind him. His eyes fluttered shut. The branches whistled, far in the distance he could hear the yelling of the dock workers and the merchants in the streets. Music was playing in one of the castle rooms. 

He breathed. Everything was at ease. 

Then M sighed sharply, and grumbled under their breath. “I tell her to at least separate scrub and rinse sheets,” A wet slap before M passed by him again, Varian opening his eyes to watch. They drop the wet sheet on the lip of the bucket, before shuffling around in the rest of the sheets. They grumbled again, before standing up and taking a deep breath. 

Varian idly pet Ruddiger, watching them return to the castle and drag out the other basket filled with wet laundry, then grabbing the one half filled with water. They started shuffling through the sheets, separating them.

“What’s that?” Varian called, his curiosity getting the better of him. 

“Sorry, Faith forgot to separate the scrub and rinse sheets. I’ll have to do some extra scrubbing before I can hang all of them.”

“I thought the workers who were in charge of linens did everything,” Varian lifted Ruddiger to his shoulder and stood, walking over. M smiled, tucking their braid into the back of their dress. 

“Hypothetically. It’s not bad this way, just had to take a minute to think clearly, I’ve got it.” They get about separating the sheets quicker now, then hefting the clean items onto their shoulder. “Gotta take a step back every once in a while,” They returned to the clothesline and Varian watched. He glanced down at the still dirtied wet linens in the water and racked his brain. Why would this be Faith’s job, if she wasn’t going to do it?

“You look like you’re trying to stare down the washtub,” M called with a laugh, knocking him out of his glare. 

“Why?” He asked. 

M clipped up another sheet, and grabbed another from their shoulder. “It’s not really my place to talk, but Faith almost drowned. I’m leaving out most of the details but- she doesn’t like water anymore. It makes her anxious, she gets jumpy and starts catastrophizing. I pick up for her when she has a really bad day. Usually she separates them fine, but,” M clipped up the rest as they spoke, before returning to the basin and Varian. 

“It just seems I’ll be having a much later lunch than I anticipated. Thought I scrubbed all of them out.” They looked down at the bucket, before they smiled up at Varian. 

“That’s not fair,” Varian interrupted, “If this is Faith’s job then she should do it,”  _ Even when I’m breaking down I’m expected to work, even when my father was in amber and I was alone I worked, held captive by a pseudo-goddess I worked, that’s not fair.  _ Varian felt his stomach growling, he thought more and more about it.  _ He  _ never got a break. 

M snapped him out of his thoughts again. “It’s not a big deal. I got angry, and I took a step back to think. When the clouds parted, I remembered Faith didn’t do it to spite me- you know? In her shoes, this just means she had a  _ really _ bad day. So a late lunch for me isn’t the end of the world.”

Varian wanted to speak, he had so many questions rattling in his head now- but he smiled. Why did he smile? Because M was right. Stepping back from his anger, and his judgement, Faith was needing help, and M was stepping up to help. He nodded quickly, before dropping to his knees beside the wash bucket. “Well, I’m not as experienced as you or Faith, but I should be able to help?” He smiled up at M, who chuckled down at him. 

“Your gloves should help, you wash- I hang?”

“Sounds like a plan!” Varian laughed, M echoing. The wind rustled music from the castle, the sun shone brightly. 

As Varian worked the following week, he found himself acting just a little different. Not intentionally, or explicitly- but he noticed. When he was grabbing food and the chef looked overwhelmed, he stepped back and said he’d come back later. When Ruddiger pawed at him asking him to go to bed, he listened. Varian stepped back from his knee jerk reactions, back from his bitter habits of self comparison, and he relaxed. He didn’t feel like a wandering pet or an exhibit contained in the castle. Slowly, he started leaving the castle in his free time. He still felt the glares, the mumbled threats just outside his reach- he felt like an outcast.  _ Just a little bit _ .

He went anyway. He stood with Xavier and listened to the old man spin tales as he worked. when Xavier forgot where his tangent was going- Varian no longer felt aggravated. He took a step back, and realized Xavier was doing a lot of special work, of course his stories wouldn’t be as strong as his smithing. 

When grabbing a treat from Uncle Monty’s shop and someone mentioning the princess made him sneer- Varian took a step back. Uncle Monty didn’t have to like everyone, just like he didn’t. Monty had his own reasons. Varian wasn’t so defensive he had to avoid the baker, or so irrationally angry he would jump to Rapunzel’s defense. 

In his lab, goggles down and compound brewing above a controlled burner- when Varian heard a voice he stopped the heat, carefully replacing his gear and shuffling towards the door. He listened carefully, to a voice he quickly recognized as Eugene’s.

“Varian- I- It’s been a while. We’ve been giving you your space, but you haven’t left. We’re-” He huffed a breath, and Varian could hear the shuffling of his armor. And instead of pretending he hadn’t heard, or yelling at him to go away like his chest screamed- Varian took a step back.  Eugene was an orphan turned criminal, turned professional thief. Eugene worried every day how he would find food, where he could sleep. Eugene had a terrible childhood, and was only now safe and happy. Eugene cared about him, Eugene didn’t want to see Varian grow up miserable and jaded. And Varian already had an unorthodox childhood. Eugene was afraid seeing his scars. It wasn’t babysitting, it wasn’t control. It was because he  _ cared _ .

Varian pulled the door open, Eugene jumping upright to brush his hair back from his face. “Hey! Goggles!” A nervous laugh followed.

“Hey Eugene.” Varian spoke quickly, looking up at his friend.

“Hello- how’re  _ thiiiings _ ? Great? Great!” Eugene blinked wildly. “Alright No no- Kid.  _ Kid _ \- I’m here to apologize to you," He waved his arms around. "I was, just a little bit-  _ overbearing _ . And I know that. It wasn’t fair to you. I need to- to step back every once in a while. I can be wrong.” He coughed into his gloved fist. “Sometimes.”

Varian smiled, his face relaxing. “Thank you for apologizing. I was exhausted from the day- all the stress and the pressure, and I snapped at you... I-I didn’t mean to. And I’d like to apologize- to you- for that. I accept your apology, and I hope you accept mine.”

“Can I touch you?” Eugene lifted his hands gingerly, and Varian nodded. He caught just a glimpse of Eugene’s glowing expression before his arms wrapped over Varian’s shoulders. It felt right- that same warmth and comfort from Eugene’s first hug bubbling to the surface- his heart thrummed hard in his chest and his breath snatched from his lungs. Varian lifted his arms to Eugene’s back, fingers locking to keep his friend close. 

“I’ve got you kid.” Eugene mumbled into Varian’s hair.

Varian’s eyes screwed shut, and his lip shook. “I know,” He whispered, voice breaking on the two simple words. He hadn’t been hugged since Eugene’s prior, and before then he could hardly remember. Exasperated hugs after tragedy hardly counted, too hard and adrenaline fueled to be what he needed. Varian needed this. Varian needed calm and gentle reassurance. Varian needed affirmation and love just as any child did. Tears escaped his eyes and Varian pulled himself tighter against his friend, his family. Eugene held him just as close and didn’t say a word. Ruddiger skittered down from his perch and wrapped himself around Varian’s leg. Everything was going to be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Violence against a child, attempted violence, threats, emotional regression, self hatred, continued PTSD effects as in prior chapters
> 
> Fun warning: Eugene's protective dad voice, and Varian finally being told he didn't deserve what happened to him

Varian knocked gently on Rapunzel’s bedroom door, before fiddling with the buttons on his vest. He hadn’t seen the princess since interrupting her meeting with M and to be honest with himself he missed seeing her- but if she asked he wanted to show her something. The courage he worked up to seeing her was wavering the longer he stood. She could be somewhere else, he after all hadn’t really seen her. But she usually spent her time painting between meals and meetings-

He was so deep in thought he didn’t hear the footsteps approaching, and didn’t notice until he was wrenched back from the door. Ruddiger leapt away and Varian stumbled backwards before catching his foot on the rug lip and falling to the floor. He groaned, picking up his dislodged goggles before looking up. Two guards stood above him, one leaning down and the other a few paces away. 

“W-What are you…”

“You’re  _ Varian _ .” The closer spoke, gloved hand grabbing Varian’s vest. Everything Varian needed to know was in that one word- in how they used his name. They spat it like it was a curse, they chewed it up and spat it out with no remorse of understanding.

His heart rate spiked, mouth falling open. Every thought he was already having was now clogging his mind, he couldn’t so much as focus. He was in danger. Ruddiger hissed from beside him and leapt up to bite the guard’s hand- but he was pushed off. Varian was lifted into the air by his shirt, he jolted and grabbed the gauntlet of his attacker, his brain only starting to work in bursts. 

“Y-Yes-” He nodded quickly, floundering. 

“I recognize you. Well how could I not, you’re the reason my dad’s store burned down in the Saporian attack.” They shook him and Varian flinched, head dropping.

“H-Hey- you shouldn’t do that.” The second guard spoke meekly. 

“Can it. The Captain wanted him, we’ll just have to deliver him. Hope he makes it there in one piece.” The guard let him down just briefly, before grabbing the front of his undershirt above the vest- now being held aloft by the neck. The fabric burned against his skin and he could barely breathe. 

“R-Rapunzel!” Varian yelled, legs scrambling up against his attacker. “L-Let me go! Rapunzel!  _ Rapunzel please! _ ” He screwed his eyes shut and dropped his goggles to try and break free, batting uselessly at the guard armour. “Help!  _ Somebody help me _ !” It felt so familiar, at the mercy of a guard who would never listen- ready to be thrown into a cell where he’d be beaten, abandoned and eventually- after an agonizing amount of time moved to another because he ‘couldn’t play well with others’ before the cycle began again. The cycle was about to begin again. Varian screamed, thrashing around but the guard continued their walk into the main hall. They called something to the second, but Varian couldn’t hear them. He could only hear the blood in his ears, the haunting echo of voices bouncing through the dungeons. 

He hit the floor before he could even realize what was happening. Eyes blinking open Varian finally heard the yell, a loud and desperate scream of his own name. It was Eugene, now standing between the guard and Varian, sword drawn and a small red sliver on the blade. The world came in streaks and blurs, his heart beating faster than he could count. Varian closed his eyes to listen instead.

“Step away from Varian.” Eugene commanded, voice short and stiff. It was the voice Varian only heard stories of, his Captain voice found after he began his station. 

“Captain,” The larger guard started.

“You are hereby relieved of your duty. Return to the hall and forfeit your armour and weapons- you will be out of the castle before lunchtime. If you do not leave of your free will I will remove you myself, and you can feel my kindness now dripping from your cheek-  _ do I make myself clear? _ ” He grew louder with each final word, echoing in the hall. 

“He deserved it-” They spat. Varian flinched, arms shaking as they covered his head. He tried to curl in on himself, hide from the truth they slung at him like rocks. 

Eugene swore, the swift sound of a blade danced through the air. The guard winced loudly, stumbling to the side. “You are exiled from the kingdom of Corona. If you ever set foot within the city walls again I will personally draw every last wretched breath out of you- If I ever hear word of you from any of my confidants I will give them full permission to hunt you for sport- do you hear me? And you-! You are relieved of duty. There is no place in my guard for someone who lets a child be tortured and does nothing. Both of you, out.”

Varian felt the heavy footsteps round him in a wide berth and disappear down the hall. Then the floor beside him shifted as Eugene dropped to a knee beside him. “Varian, Varian, kid- look at me.”

Varian whimpered, parting his arms slowly to look up. He saw the red smear of guard armour and flinched again. 

“It’s me, it’s Eugene. I’m gonna touch you,”

A hand settled on his side and Varian jolted, Ruddiger hissing from a distance. 

“What’s going on?” A new voice interrupted, Varian felt his blood boil, felt his memories overtake him as he sat up, pulling away from Eugene’s grasp. They both looked up to see Rapunzel stepping out from her bedroom, paint smeared on her face and hands, apron a mess of colors.

And Varian’s hate  _ spiked _ . He was blinded, drowning in feelings he had repressed so long ago. “Why do  _ you _ care!” He screamed, scrambling to his side and onto his feet. His feet wouldn’t listen, his legs were jelly. He fell forward just briefly before sprinting down the hall to the closest stairwell. 

Someone was calling his name- Varian didn't care. He was alone. He couldn't trust anyone. He wasn't in the present, his mind was back in his prison cell before he could manage to get down to his room. 

He slammed the door behind himself when he reached his room, falling back against the wood. Hands fisted in his hair and muscles tight; Varian couldn't breathe. Everything was spinning, everything was a terrifying blend of visual and auditory hallucinations- flashbacks and hypotheticals he couldn't control. His room was dark just like his cell, like his cage in the tower, like his house without his father. Sounds accosted him, threats and yells overlapping from a hundred different voices all at once. Varian's chest hurt- his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his ribs in a violent explosion.

The sounds faded away when he finally heard his own voice- a shaking and frightened whimper escaping him. He was babbling, whining with high pitched keening noises like an injured animal. He flinched but couldn't stop, making the sounds slowly let out the pressure from his chest, from his head. Like a balloon letting out air Varian sobbed, thick tears rolling down his cheeks and strangled broken gasps escaping his mouth between whines. It evolved into a throaty yell, and that felt even better- Soon Varian was curled over himself face against the stone floor screaming as loud as he could. It felt  _ right _ \- it felt like once his throat stung he could breathe easier, he could almost think again. 

He slumped onto the floor, muscles and bones jelly from his fit. Varian closed his eyes and breathed weakly. 

He woke up from an unexpected nap, entire body sore. He moved to push himself up and collapsed, arms unable to support him. Varian laid there a short while longer, deep breathes in through his nose and out his mouth. 

He rolled onto his side and pushed himself up, looking around his room. The window showed it was still daytime, and he unfastened his vest and loosened his armbands. He stared at his gloves for a long moment, but couldn't. He couldn't handle his scars right now. As Varian pushed himself up he grabbed onto the side of his bed and dropped to a seat on it. 

His stomach growled at him, his throat dry. A canteen hung from one of the bed posts and he grabbed it. He tried to listen to the room around him to feel grounded again- A familiar singing trailed down the hall. It passed Varian's room and he pushed himself up and approached the door gently. Fading down the hallway was M's voice. 

He wanted to open the door, beg for help and a shoulder to cry on- but the fear in his chest seized again. He didn't deserve it. He was a danger. He was a threat. Varian glanced at the mirror across the room and physically retched, turning away. He was going to throw up. The voices were welling up again, snide remarks, subtle threats, unsubtle threats, his father disappointed or encasing in amber, Rapunzel's scream of agony, Zhan Tiri's roar, Cassandra's wicked laugh-

The next thing he knew Varian stood in the hallway, eyes focusing slowly on the blue figure opposite him. M's mouth was moving, although he couldn't hear their voice.

And then he was being sat back down on his bed, the plush cushion beneath him calling to lay down and let himself be swallowed. M was holding his hand. When did that happen? 

"Hey Variable, I'm gonna keep talking but nod when you can hear me. I was thinking you should nod when you can understand me. It's okay. Breathe. Nod when you can understand what I'm saying-" They spoke some variant of that line again and again and eventually Varian's brain kicked into gear enough for him to nod.

"Hey there, can you breathe with me? In, two three- Out, two, three, four. Again, In-" 

Varian stuttered in a deep breath, exhaling longer and longer each time. His shaking hands stilled; his ringing ears calmed.

"How are you feeling?" 

"Bad." He mumbled. 

"Yeah, you don't look too great. Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No- I deserved it." He mumbled, eyes fixed on the floor.

"Deserved what?" 

"Somebody wanted to punish me again. For what I did." He mumbled. He felt his cheeks beginning to burn again, his throat tighten. "And they were right. They were allowed to be angry, I-I did terrible things. I don't- I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve this-" he threw a hand up vaguely, indicating the room around him. 

"Would you do it again?" 

Varian's eyes snapped open wide and his head jumped up to look at M. "No! Never!!" He yelled, unable to control it. "I hate it! I hate knowing what I did- I-I hate living with it! Knowing what I did to Corona is going to haunt me for- for the rest of my life! I hate looking in the mirror and seeing someone the entire city tried to kill at  _ fourteen _ ! Every day I wake up and fight to keep myself moving!!" The tears burned in the corners of his eyes. His raw throat stung. He didn't stop. 

"I want to be better. I want to make people proud. I want to help people. I want to be forgiven. I want to know that- that- that I'm worth something." His voice grew quieter now. "I want to be someone else, be the me I never had the chance to be." 

"Then you deserve the chance to try and be them." M spoke quietly. And something in Varian's head clicked. "You're beating yourself up over this, far worse than any decent person ought to. Varian- you didn't deserve what happened to you."

He flinched, tears rolling down his cheeks again. 

"I mean it. Varian, you didn't deserve what happened then, and you don't deserve this self punishment now. You are allowed to be angry and bitter, but you can  _ not  _ say you deserved it. You cannot let the world take away this wonderful light you have. You are a young adult right now, but how old were you when your father was encased?"

"It was my fault." He mumbled weakly, eyes closing. 

"How old were you?" 

"Fourteen." He whimpered.

"How old were you when they put you in prison?" 

"Fourteen."

"How old were you when you were manipulated and gaslit into a terrorist group?" 

"Fifteen."

"When you were kidnapped?"

"Sixteen." 

"Varian, you were a child. You are still a child." M spoke the truth, and with every word it chipped away a layer of rock encased around his heart. "You did not deserve this. This is not fair, and deserved a normal childhood." 

"But I didn't get it." He spat bitterly, eyes screwed shut tight now.

"No, you didn't." M's hand squeezed his own. "And that's not fair. And it's not fair you have to live this life, and it's not something you can accept easily- but it is something you will have to accept anyway. You are allowed to feel angry and betrayed, you are allowed to feel like the grown ups around you let you down. They did." 

He shook his head- but they continued.

"Varian-  _ they _ let  _ you _ down. You didn't fail them, they failed you. I'm sorry this happened to you. You do amazing things, you help people. You deserve this- this place with love and support. You deserve people who care about you, to be heard and respected. Varian you are worthy of love." 

And that was it- the final strike that shattered the smallest, tightest shell around his heart- a gasp escaped his lips before he fell forward, hands pressed against his eyes. Embarrassing noises crawled out of his mouth again, whimpers and sputters. He shook, he shook like the child he never had the chance to be. Scared, alone, and heartbroken. A hand rested on his back, gentle back and forths in steady rhythm. 

He deserved love.  _ He  _ deserved love. He deserved  _ love _ . He  _ deserved _ love. It felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. It felt like a puzzle piece had clicked into its place. It felt like a balloon that was overfilled with air finally popped. Varian felt the vanishing of such a drastic pressure on his sense of self- he could feel the blood rushing to his head. When he could breathe again, he sat up and looked over at M, they sat with a soft smile. 

"I love you Varian." They said gently. And again, it just  _ clicked _ \- it wasn't mumbled by his father, aloof and vague. It wasn't a token phrase from a member of Old Corona who was subjected to one of his tangents. It wasn't a distant and forgotten memory of his mother's voice. It was a real, tangible emotion. He could hear the care in their voice, hear their unconditional sincerity. M said it, and they meant it. Somebody cared about him. Somebody was on his side, somebody would listen to him, somebody would be there listen when he needed them. Varian had a family. Varian had a sibling. 

He couldn't control it, Varian let out another sob and fell in on himself, M moving forward to scoop him in a hug. All of the feelings in Varian's chest dimmed- before they shone even brighter. He was safe. He was loved. He was not alone. 

Varian clung onto M's hug, he dug his fingers against their shirt, buried his crying face in their shoulder. The fear of expressing himself was gone, the doubt of self judgement was gone, Varian felt free for the first time he could ever remember. And Varian cried. Varian cried like he had never before. Because now, he realized he was allowed to.

When he could pull himself away long enough to breathe, he wiped his face with his gloves. He felt sweaty and gross, but much like an unclogged drain- he felt cleared. 

"Can you drink some water for me?" M offered his canteen, and Varian nodded before taking it. After a long sip he looked over the item in his hands. "Thank you." 

"It's just water," he mumbled quietly.

"Still. Have you eaten today?" 

"I ate before I went to see Rapunzel earlier." He mumbled again. 

"How about I go grab you something then? Give you a moment to breathe?" 

"Yeah. That'd be nice. Can I-" He cut himself off. He spoke again after a few seconds. "Can I have extra sweets?" 

"As long as you eat all your veggies-" M stuck a hand in his hair and ruffled it, Varian flinching before a laugh escaped his lips. "I'll be back in a little bit. See you then Variable." M stood from his bed, approaching the door. "You okay if I let Ruddiger in?"

Oh right- Varian had all but abandoned his friend- "Please." He nodded.

He watched M open the door and before he could even watch them leave a grey streak stampeded through his room to tunnel into his stomach. Ruddiger was chirping and whimpering, paws digging into Varian's vest. 

"Hey, hey." Varian cooed gently, his throat now doubly sore. "I'm sorry buddy." He pulled off one of his gloves, tightening his fingers in Ruddiger's fur and scratching just behind his left ear (his favorite spot). Ruddiger slowly calmed, still hanging onto his boy. "I'm doing better. I promise." 

He sat in the quiet, petting Ruddiger and feeling the softness of his fur, the rumble of his tiny body. Varian breathed freely for what felt like the first time ever. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for: The only swear word in the fic, brought to you by Eugene

When M returned, a question sprang from his lips before he could stop it. 

"Do I have to forgive them?" 

They paused just briefly before setting the full plate down on Varian's lap. It was laden with cooked meat, vegetables, bread rolls, and grapes. 

"No, you don't. It's your decision. But I learned that you should often at least try." 

"Why?"

"Because sometimes you might miss them. Or miss the life you used to have with them, even though you know it was bad." Their voice was quiet. They withdrew an apple from one of their pants pockets, and a folded knife from the other. M began peeling the apple as Varian started eating. "Do you want to forgive them?" 

"I-I think so? I don't… I want to tell them they hurt me. I want them to  _ know _ . T-to know what they did to me, and that I'm a person." 

They sliced into a chunk of the apple and stabbed it, offering it to Ruddiger. He lifted his head gently, and sniffed it.

"That's a good first step. It's important to tell people how you're feeling. It takes a lot of strength but it can make your bonds even stronger." M smiled as Ruddiger took the apple slice. "Like right now. You have acquired a new older sibling." They cut the apple again and popped it into their mouth. 

Varian chuckled, swallowing his bite. "So then, where do I start?" His smile faded. 

"Well, two options. Start with the scariest, or start with the smallest. Scariest first, it's all downhill. Smallest first, you can work up to it." 

"I don't know which is the scariest, or the smallest." 

"Who do you want an apology from?" M asked. Varian wasn't looking at them, and they weren't looking at him. 

"My dad." He mumbled. "We- we were supposed to have things fixed but…" 

"Then when you're up for it, go see him." M said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. "At your pace, in your own way." 

"Right." Varian continued eating, mind beginning to overthink like it was so wont to do. "Right." 

After two weeks of hiding away in the castle and buying food from outside vendors to avoid a chance of seeing Rapunzel or Eugene, Varian finally worked up the nerve to leave for Old Corona. Each time he passed M in the hall he remembered, and every night before he could sleep or look at his scars, he would remember that he wanted this. He wanted to be better, but he had to take that first terrifying step. His reflection was still a struggle. He couldn't feel resolved until he got some kind of closure. He wanted to be better. 

It was a long and tiring walk, and he wanted to turn back every other step. But he didn't. Varian trundled on, talking quietly to Ruddiger as he went. 

"I shouldn't. But I want to. It'll be- good. Good. It will not be bad, this will be good. Oh who am I kidding I- no- I want to talk to him." 

By the time Varian made it into Old Corona he had nearly talked himself hoarse. A few of the townspeople welcomed him, polite enough waves. He kept his distance from shops and carts, and his feet took him down the familiar path toward his childhood home. He stood on the doorstep, Ruddiger perched on his shoulder chittering support. He closed his eyes and brought his fist to the door, knocking once. After a few seconds he knocked a few more times- and pressed his arms down against his sides. Ruddiger played with his ponytail, as familiar heavy footsteps approached.

Quirin opened the door, and looked down at his son. "Oh! Var- Varian." He smiled nervously. "I wasn't expecting you until your birthday."

"I- I can go- I don't want to intrude." He gestured stiffly back the way he came and Quirin stepped back inside. 

"No, no. I'm happy to see you son. Come in," Quirin gestured inside. And Varian nodded stiffly. He walked into the familiar space, taking a deep breath to steady himself. The main room was the same it had always been, if a little cleaner and more put away than Varian remembered. It made sense, Varian wasn't around to make messes anymore. He had run away to Corona to pretend he had never lived here in the first place. He moved to distance himself from his past. But it was time now to sit down and come to terms, despite his stomach threatening to fall out from his body.

He sat at the table, gloved hands squeezing his pant legs. 

"Water? Anything to eat?" Quirin asked, voice nervous still. It was like he was just as uncomfortable as Varian was. 

"Water please. I just wanted to talk to you if you've got the time," 

"I always have time for you, I'll be right there." As he disappeared Varian felt Ruddiger jump down onto his lap. The weight was a small familiar comfort. 

Water glass sat down in front of him, Varian watched Quirin sit opposite him. He rested his arms on the surface, leaned forward.

"What did you want to talk about?" 

"I uh…" Varian swallowed hard.  _ Just a little bit. Soon, I won't be scared anymore.  _ "I just feel like I could never be what you wanted." The resolve inside him shattered, he stared down at the table, spinning his water glass. 

"O-oh." Quirin said quietly. "Varian I-"

"Please- I-I need to finish." He took a deep breath. "I wanted to be a good son, I wanted to make you proud, dad. But you were always busy, or apologizing on my behalf. You- you never made me feel loved. After mom left, you changed.

"It took me a long time to realize it, really. I kept telling myself it was my fault, that I needed to be bigger, or stronger, or better."  _ Take a step back. _ "I know I didn't make it easy but-... I needed you. You should have been there even though I wasn't the perfect kid- because I'm  _ your _ kid. I needed you. And you weren't there." 

A tense silence filled the room, Varian could feel his throat close up, his whole body sweat. 

"I'm- I'm done." He mumbled.

Quirin didn't respond immediately, but he coughed into his fist and took a deep breath. "Varian," He started, "you're right." 

Those two little words snapped Varian out of his fog, he blinked and looked up. His elder continued. 

"I-I wasn't there for you. I let you down. After your mother disappeared, I couldn't figure out how to continue, the grief ate me alive. But… but I didn't realize that my pulling away would hurt you too." 

His voice wavered, "I wasn't emotionally ready to accept it. I pulled away, and because of that I couldn't connect to  _ you _ . To anyone. Varian, you being here right now- saying these things- it shows you're twice the person I am.

"I am proud of you. I'm amazed with everything you've been able to do, I'm floored with every letter you write from the capital. But that doesn't mean I can suddenly step in and be the father you've been missing for so long. I'm sorry I couldn't do right by you son. But please give me the chance to learn and be better." 

Varian took in a breath for the first time since Quirin started talking. He felt the heat rising to his cheeks, felt his ears burn. He nodded quickly, frantically scrubbing at his face. He heard Quirin push back from the table and kneel beside him. Varian turned. 

Quirin- his  _ father-  _ knelt beside him with open arms.  _ I am worthy of love. _ Varian threw himself out of the chair to wrap his arms over his father's shoulders. His arms were big and strong, the hug was something Varian had imagined a million times. It felt like home. It felt like love. And for the first time in front of his father Varian cried. He babbled about his fears, about his time in prison, his nightmares, his breakdowns- he let out every ounce of vulnerability and emotion he had long since locked away from his parent.

And Quirin held him in that moment, and listened. 

Returning to the castle after a few days and a few heavy conversations, Varian had a newfound ease to his walk. He walked through the streets and waved to a few familiar vendors, they waved back. He still got a few sneers, but he wasn't going to let them sour his mood. As he neared the castle he took a deep breath and approached the main gate instead of his secret tunnel. 

Stan and Pete stood at the front, jumping to attention as Varian and Ruddiger approached. 

"Hello," Varian called.

"Varian! The princess has been looking for you!" Stan saluted before gesturing inside.

"Yeah! The Captain's put people on a search party." Pete leaned down towards the teen. "They found your room empty and thought you ran away." 

"Well," Varian sucked in a deep breath and puffed out his chest. "Point me in the right direction." 

Rapunzel was pacing in the window overlooking the west wing. Eugene sat at the table in the room, his hand scanning the map laid out in front of him.

"Eugene," Rapunzel called for the tenth time in as many minutes. 

"Rapunzel-" He called back, exasperated. "We're looking as best we can. I have Max on his way to Old Corona to check with Quirin, I have Cassandra keeping an eye and an ear out, you have to calm down a little. You'll burn yourself out." He stood from the table and made his way to his partner as he spoke, offering her a hand. She took it, stepping into Eugene and resting her forehead on his shoulder. 

"We'll find him." Eugene mumbled. 

A knock on the door made Eugene lift his head, Rapunzel keeping her head pressed into his shoulder for just one moment longer.

"Hello?" Varian called, sticking his head into the room. 

"Varian?" Eugene jumped-

" _ Varian _ !" Rapunzel nearly pushed her husband to the floor to get away, running over to throw her arms around the teen as he entered. Varian stumbled back under the surprise and lifted a hand to the princesses back.

"Yes?" He laughed weakly. Rapunzel pulled back only to hug him again, this time so tight he felt something pop in his back. "Yes!" He wheezed. 

"We were so worried!"

"Kid, where the  _ hell _ have you been?" Eugene rushed over next, a hand on his cheek, tilting his head this way and that. When Rapunzel stepped back Eugene swept in, hugging him and lifting him up off the ground.

"I went to see my dad." He said simply. "I don't really- I dunno...owe you guys anything," He brushed himself off after all the hugging, crouching briefly to lift Ruddiger onto his shoulder. 

"Varian you scared the life out of us! We- we hadn't heard from you and then we checked your room and you had disappeared, no note or anything!" Rapunzel spoke quickly, her hair bouncing around with every shake of her head. 

"Yeah. I had to talk to my dad. It was private. I actually wanna talk to you princess." 

"You-" Rapunzel started, until Eugene put a hand on her shoulder. She glanced up at him before looking back to Varian. She nodded curtly. "Right. Right. I guess there is a lot we haven't talked about really." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'll leave you the room. Nice to have you back Goggles." Eugene rubbed his hand on Varian's shoulder. It felt nice, Varian thought idly. As the door clicked shut Varian glanced towards it. Pressure was building in his chest just like his talk with his father. But now he knew what it felt like to be free of it. To have a new growing relationship with someone he  _ wanted _ to have one with.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me a few days ago. I was painting on my balcony but that isn't an excuse." Rapunzel's voice was quiet and somber. 

Varian looked out the window, down at the large trees swaying in the breeze. Linens danced in the breeze, barely visible between the trunks. "I accept your apology." He replied. "I uh, I wanted to talk to you. About the blizzard." 

It was a code they produced. Varian knew Rapunzel was just as marred by that night but in her own way- and saying any more was unnecessary. Now, that one word conveyed all of the pain both felt. 

"I never really apologized for what I did. Varian, could you look at me?" 

He turned slowly, fighting his eyes to keep his gaze on the princess. He wanted to look away. He wanted to run away. He wanted to swallow his shame and run out of the room, abandoning her in a heavy moment because he had no idea what to say. This was a big moment, and he didn’t want to mess it up- but he fought. He balled his fists tight and stood his ground, despite the wavering in his stomach. Rapunzel smiled weakly. "I made you a promise, I told you I'd help- and- I wasn't there. I'm sorry for leaving you like that, and even after the storm I told myself- if it was really bad you'd reach out again, or that it fixed itself and you were too caught up to tell us. And that was selfish." 

"It isn't all your fault," Varian couldn't move from his spot by the window, but he knew he had to keep going.  _ Just a little. Take a step back.  _ He thought for just a moment as he watched Ruddiger disembark- leaping onto the map covered table and grabbing an abandoned snack. "I- I hurt you. I did a lot of things that I regret, some stuff I'll never be able to get out of the shadow of. Rapunzel I'm sorry for kidnapping your mother. I'm sorry for attacking Corona, for- for hurting you and exploding the way I did. It was wrong, and done in a dark place- and I regret everything." His gaze fell. He wanted to keep going, lose himself to the acceptance of guilt and shame- 

"But that's  _ all _ ." 

The princess looked up at him, before her brows furrowed. Varian continued.

"I know you're close to my age, closer than anyone else here. You know what isolation, gaslighting, manipulation can do to a person. To a child. Kidnapping. Being bound in chains, watching the person you love most die before your eyes." Varian had heard the stories, everyone knew them. Rapunzel of all people could understand the closest. He held his wrist through his gloves. "And I know that- that you're different because of it. We think different, we act different, we- we've had different lives." 

"We're not as different as I try to think sometimes," Rapunzel said slowly. "There's no need to compare us Varian, pain isn’t a contest. You were hurt. I was hurt." She pushed herself up from her chair. 

"Can I touch you?" She lifted a hand towards his cheek and Varian nodded before looking down. Rapunzel's soft hand cupped his cheek, tilting his head up to look at her. "When I came to the castle I was scared, and uncomfortable, but I came. I couldn't tell what my future was going to be- but I wanted to see it. Even though I felt like I was going to throw up-" she laughed lightly and Varian chuckles. 

"Instead of letting my abuser keep control, I stepped into something new and very very scary. I accepted that my childhood was stolen from me and that I would have to live with that. And I couldn't stop yours from being taken either... But this moment, this determination and want to be better- this is just the same as when I came here for the first time. You're going to heal, and-and grow, and-

"Varian, you're going to be  _ amazing _ ." Rapunzel squeezed her eyes shut and leaned down to him. Pressing their foreheads together. 

That was it, Varian took a shaking breath in through his nose and his face scrunched up. His chest rattled, he gripped his wrist like a lifeline. He wasn't much shorter than the princess but it was at moments like this he felt so small- he felt vulnerable and raw. And Rapunzel stood with him. He eventually surged forward, arms around her middle and Rapunzel returned the hug. 

They stood for a long few minutes, when Varian could relax Rapunzel began swaying them back forth gently. She mumbled into his hair. 

"I'm sorry for everything. For your time in prison, for your treatment, for not helping you get the help you needed, using you without bothering to check on you, letting you get kidnapped. I can't apologize for the portal or how you must have felt before and during the attack, but know you'll never have to feel that way again."

"And I'm sorry for how my emotions blinded me to my own violence." Varian mumbled back, arms tightening around Rapunzel just briefly. 

Late afternoon light dazzled through the large windows, casting the whole room in a beautifully orange hue. When things like this could happen, when he could see that the world was more than a one sided battle or a child versus the king, Varian could really believe Corona was the sunlit kingdom.


	7. Chapter 7

As Varian grew into himself, he slowly started to realize the kingdom wasn't as judgemental as he believed. So often in his sad and bitter headspace he would believe things, without seeing they were untrue. In the city market no one lobbed insults at him, or threatened his life. He had his suspicions of some bystanders but no one voiced grievances. No one attacked him with blades or fists, the vendors he frequented had actually learned his name. And it was a new kind of feeling, infamy was one he knew well but this was- happiness. In the mirror every morning, Varian could look. Not for very long, but he could do it. It felt off somehow still- but now it was a curiosity to find and heal instead of a heavy shame to hide from. 

Gwen, the grocer who provided the best berries welcomed him to their stand with a joke every time he visited without fail. A bad pun or a joke he would walk into himself, they were happy to see him.

Abbie the potions brewer gave him a hug, often more than one per visit. She would play with his hair and give him compounds to mix, he would offer advice for any that failed. She was happy to see him.

The loud child who Varian saw running through the streets, sometimes being chased by Kiera and Catalina would swipe at his pants as they passed. They were giggly and full of life, and yelled his name with excitement. Children didn't run from Varian in fear, people didn't lift him from the ground to throw into the ocean. People were happy to see him. Varian was happy to be seen, and happy to see them. 

On one of his visits outside the castle he was shopping early in the morning, looking for fresh fruits to deliver to his father- when the nearby bookstore caught his attention. The place was rather small for a bookstore, but very tall. Books were crammed into every nook and cranny, shelves built by all kinds of different crafts workers and some even carved into recesses in the walls. It was a tight fit but it was homey, Varian had visited a few times and talked with the owner. They were much like him, not really the best at expressing emotions in the way others understood and relatively relaxed. He covered the basket of fruit and knocked on the open door, sticking his head in the entrance. 

“Ilya?” He called gently, looking towards the register. Instead of the homely owner, bound in dark sweaters and drinking strong dark coffee- M sat at the till, legs up on the counter and leaning back into the rack of books behind them. As they saw Varian their eyes widened, and they kicked their legs down to lean forward. Their hair moved in a large blue cloud, it fell down their shoulders and rested on the countertop. Instead of a handmaiden gown or a staple blue piece, M was just in a large baggy shirt and basic pants.

“Hey Variable, what’s up you little nerd?” They smiled, large and lopsided; Varian could even see their cheeks dimpling. 

“What are you doing here?” He stepped inside, looking at the new release wall they were just lounging against. 

“Ilya’s my partner.” They smiled again, this time even brighter. “We live above the shop, I fill in sometimes. It’s why I’m not at the castle all the time...” As they continued talking, Varian looked down to survey them. They were certainly less put together, hair unbraided (reminding him it had to be even longer when not done). It moved like waves, back and forth with every gesture. They also felt more relaxed, not as careful or precise like when they spoke to him in the midst of a panic. 

“You gonna answer my question or you gonna keep staring?” They lifted an eyebrow and Varian blushed, quick to look down and rub a gloved hand on the back of his neck. 

“Sorry I uh- what- what was the question?”

“What brings you out here?” They gathered the tail of their hair and twirled it around a finger. 

“I’m-” He lifted the basket “I’m delivering some stuff to my dad. He wanted to celebrate my birthday with me so I thought I’d go out a day early and spend the whole day back home.”

“That’s sweet, happy early birthday kid.” M smiled at him, “Well dip I didn’t get you anything. How old are you turning? Ten?”

“Eighteen,” He laughed weakly, “I’m not that much younger than you.”

“Yeah but still. Since I didn’t get you anything, how about I braid your hair?” They asked.

Varian all but froze. That sounded-  _ really  _ nice. He had started just leaving it in the ponytail all the time now, it caught on the lens of his goggles and under Ruddiger late at night. He loved it, he enjoyed growing it out but he also just? Didn’t know what to do with it? 

“I’ve never had it braided before, my dad told me I had to keep it short.” He mumbled back.

“D’you want me to? I don’t have to.”

“No- yeah I’d like that.” He nodded quickly. 

“Here,” They got up from the front counter and stepped further inside the store. “I’m gonna yell,” They said to him quickly. “Ilya! I’m going out!”

“Alright! Stay safe!” They called back down the stairs.

“Here,” M offered a hand that Varian took. “I know a really nice spot to just sit and think.”

M lead him to a small grove, tucked away behind a bakery leading into a park. The trees grew tall and waved in the wind. 

"Wow," Varian mumbled, turning this way and that to look at the plants.

"I know right? Just private enough while still being outside. Here, have a seat." M sat on a soft patch of grass and Varian sat in front of them. He looked over the trees more. The fading green of the leaves, the twirl of each branch, when M put a hand on his shoulder he jumped.

"It's okay, I gotcha. Just wanted to let you know I'm gonna get started." 

"Awesome," Varian nodded quickly, eyes downcast to his basket. The fabric covering started to shuffle, and he giggled. "Here, come sit with me." Varian leaned forward just briefly, moving the cover to lift Ruddiger onto his lap. Still groggy from the early morning depart he grumbled and settled into Varian's lap. Varian sat quietly as M pulled out the ribbon tying his hair back. 

"Lucky for you," M spoke, "I never leave home without a comb." Their fingers parted through his hair, pulling it out and apart gently. It was nice in a way Varian couldn't explain, it felt like instead of hustling to get it out of his face or tucking it away into a shirt collar, his hair was allowed to exist. He was allowed to be just the way he was, without being reminded he was "Varian the ex-convict boy who now works for the castle". He was- Varian.

M started combing his hair seriously now, starting with the small ponytail length before tilting his head back to comb down his scalp. It felt  _ incredible _ . 

"How's it feel?" 

"Hhnmnm." He mumbled back, unable to make real words. Like someone was dimming the sharpness of his thoughts, like someone was covering his whole body in bubble bath, like he landed in a cloud and lay weightless. 

"Yeah," M laughed gently. "You should see your face." 

At the mention of his face, Varian realized how stupid he must have looked. His face scrunched, and he leaned forward. "Sorry." He mumbled quickly. 

"Hey, don't apologize." M leaned forward, and rubbed his shoulder. "It's nice to see you relaxed. From what I can tell you don't get to just enjoy yourself very often. Do you not want me to talk about your face?" 

"No you can- you can talk about whatever you want I…"

"I guess I  _ can _ talk about whatever but if it makes you uncomfortable then I don't want to." 

Varian pulled his hair over his shoulder, gloved finger twirling the strands. "Why would talking about my face make me uncomfortable?" He mumbled.

"It doesn't matter  _ why _ \- if it makes you uncomfortable that's all that matters. Your comfort and safety are the most important things." M continued rubbing his back.

Varian turned. "Yes, but I want to know why. I don't understand. I-I've done so much, I've changed so much! I like to think I'm really a good person now." His face fell.

"You are a good person, you've learnt so much." 

"Then why can't I stand the-the notion that I have a face! That I'm being- seen in a way I don't understand?" 

M paused. When Varian looked up their expression was quizzical. "Varian I'm going to ask you some things, and I want you to answer honestly."

He nodded.

"Do you feel comfortable in your body?" 

"Ye- I mean I guess? Now that I can grow out my hair. I don't like my scars or how short I am but this feels like me." 

"How would you feel about me saying something along the lines of, 'Varian- yeah I've heard of her.' Or "yeah they're my friend.'?" 

Varian looked down. It made a little part of his chest bubble, like a laugh from below his lungs. "It doesn't sound, bad- I mean- it- it's… it's kinda nice." 

"Do you want to be a man?" 

Just the  _ word _ , masculinity meant so many different things to everyone and Varian knew being a man wasn't  _ bad-  _ but he didn't want to be a young man, or grow into a man. It made his skin crawl. The tufts of hair that would occasionally sprout from his chin never felt like his own. 

"I- I don't know." He mumbled, drawing his knees up to wrap his arms around.

M scooted closer, lifting Ruddiger from his lap to place on their own. "You don't have to know right now. You don't ever have to think about that kinda stuff if you don't want to." 

"I-I want to- but- I'm scared." He buried his face in his knees, letting his hair curtain him. 

"This is scary," They laughed lightly, "but that doesn't mean it's bad. It took me a long time to understand who I was behind what people wanted me to be. I was afraid of saying I was this, but then after a while realizing I was that instead." 

"How do you know?" Varian called softly.

"You don't really, some people are right the way they are, some find who they are quick and stick to it, some people take a long time and shuffle through what they think they are.  It's about you though Varian. It's about making sure you're comfortable and happy." 

He peeked up and turned his head, cheek resting on his knee. "I- I think the pronouns are okay, whatever works. I like he because I'm used to it... But… I'm not a man. I'm not a boy." 

M ruffled his hair, before squeezing him in a side hug. "Congratulations then, and would you look at that- you have two birthdays side by side." 

Varian wheezed out a laugh. M was fun in a way he never experienced, they were like a post in the beach sand as he was brought in and out by the waves.

"Happy birthday Varian. Now let me get at that hair, you deserve a nice pretty braid." 

"I wanna be pretty," he smiled, leaning back.

His plan was to leave early, but loitering with M quickly turned into a well needed meeting. They finished his braid and held up a small mirror. Varian looked through the corner of his eye to see the intricate work, the light blue ribbon dancing between his dark locs. And as he turned to look in the mirror fully- Varian paused. 

It wasn't something to be ashamed of. It wasn't something broken to fix. It wasn't repulsive or enraging. It wasn't a half finished project. 

It was him. It was Varian, scars, freckles, overbite and all. It was somebody he knew, somebody he would get to know better- but somebody he was happy to be. He nodded and looked down at his gloved hands. With a small struggle from their shaking- Varian pulled his gloves off. His skin was pale from how little he removed them, and the scars were still there. He could never forget them. 

"This is me." He said shakily. Ruddiger scurried up under his hands, the texture of his fur was incredibly soft. 

"That's you." M said gently, sat beside him in the little grove. 

"I'm not scared of them." He looked up and smiled, M nodding. "I'm not scared anymore." 

"I'm proud of you." 

Varian tackled into his friend, both landing on the grass with a thud and raucous laughter.

After buying lunch together M insisted he return to the bookstore and choose one as a gift, one for today's birthday and one for tomorrow's. He wanted to be quick but how could he be, with so many wonderful books and tomes by the time Varian had decided and done some basic readings it was near sunset. 

M stuck his books in a bag and tied the middle with a ribbon. 

"Here, it's getting late so I'll get us dinner and walk you to Old Corona." 

"You won't take no for an answer, will you?" He smiled, tucking the books into his basket.

"Pssht- do you know me?"

Varian, Ruddiger and M walked into Old Corona a few hours past sunset, many of the houses on their way home were already dark. The lanterns had been snuffed with only the smell of smoke left behind.

Varian kept a light vial on him in case of emergencies, it shone a blinding white. As they approached his childhood home, they found it was the only house with lanterns and fire still lit.

"I wonder what dad's doing," Varian spoke, climbing the small stairs. He pushed the door open and froze. 

The main room was warm, not only from the fire in what used to be the long abandoned fireplace, but from the army of people inside. His father sat at the kitchen table, leaning forward on his elbows as he told a story Varian had heard a thousand times, enraptured with the drama and gesturing towards Kiera, Catalina and Lance who listened intently. Eugene was strumming some kind of lute and laughing, Cassandra stood beside him with a flute she was also playing between laughs. Rapunzel, the cause of the laughter, was dancing with both of the hook brothers, both with their own unique methods. A few others were milling around, it smelt like wonderfully fresh bread and sweet peach jam. 

M started laughing too, after Varian nodded they pulled him into a tight side hug. It felt nice. 

Quirin looked up from his tale and boomed, "Varian! Happy birthday!" And all of the heads turned to him. 

"It's not till tomorrow," He said-

"It's technically the next day," Cassandra called, swiping her flute at Eugene who just opened his mouth to start talking.

"And we can return our presents if you don't want them!" Kiera called from the table, hands cupped around her mouth.

"I never said that-" Joking came naturally now, when everyone laughed it felt like he had found the perfect ratio of pressure to heat to keep a test hot but not combustible. Everyone slowly gravitated toward the large circular table where Quirin sat, who had yet to look away from his son.

"Birthday child, delivered." M called, walking to it next. They glanced back towards him just briefly, smiling brightly.

Varian was escatic. He was at home in his skin, he felt loved and known, and Varian scooped Riddiger up in his arms before running to his family all gathered around the table. Not for the first time ever, (He had slowly been making peace with each person and working through his issues-) but for the first time all together like this- Varian was finally home. Varian felt like he earned his spot at the table and wanted to be there. And he was happy. Really, truly, happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go folks! Finally earned that Trans Varian tag too. But yeah! I really wanted to show Varian facing and conquering a lot of what he had to experience. I guess I see a lot of myself in him, and I wanted to show getting help and more specific therapy isn't something to be ashamed of. Hope you enjoyed!


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